I often look up at the sky and wonder what the hell kind of humor whatever it is up there has. My premise for thinking this is: Most of my existence I have been alone. Not in life but in consciousness. Sure, I have family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, enemies, and pets. But when I lay my head down at night, if someone is next to me or not, eventually I fall asleep. I am alone. We are all alone in that sense.

 

The search for God is pointless if we all die alone. I don't want to be alone.

 

Most people, if you ask if they believe in God, say they believe in something. Well I spoke with one of my friends about this, and this belief in "something" is more like a belief in a higher power. A power that created us, set us into motion, maybe even watches over us. That is where the differences between "something" and God comes into play. Biblical texts and ancient history of an array of religions more or less pinpoint God as a relatively good being. Sure God gets angry, kills his own creations, and allows them to make mistakes. Wait a second, he lets his creations die? If I created something, and put it into motion, would I let be destroyed?

 

Maybe God is neutral. Or maybe the human race and the earth and the Milky Way is a coincidence. It's all an accident and there is no higher power.

 

It makes a human being feel good to believe that they have a purpose. People want to think they are supposed to be here. Somewhere, somehow, you matter. Why does the father of a baby wake up in the morning, walk in and find his baby looking into space? As soon as the baby recognizes it's father's face, it's eyes light up, and the baby smiles. How does the father feel when he sees that? He feels purpose. He makes a difference, he is appreciated.

 

"What you accomplish in life echo's in eternity." -General Maximus Barridius (Russell Crowe, Gladiator)

 

Ok, so if most people believe in "something" and that something is faith in having a purpose. Then isn't that kind of like worshipping yourself? Isn't that just believing in your purpose in life?

 

Personally I believe in grays. The only definite black and white is if you are born, someday you will die. When I say grays I believe that every decision, every emotion, every state that we as human beings are in is not, and cannot be the exact peak of that particular state. Humans are not precise, they want to be but they are not. For example, if someone is happy, it is possible they could be happier. If someone is sad, it is possible that they could be even sadder. If someone steals money, is that wrong? What if they stole so their starving sister could eat? If a person is killed, is that bad? Maybe that person deserved, or wanted to die? Who could even judge such a thing? You deserve to die because you killed another person. That person wanted to die. How do you know? Because they told others and me. Did the deceased know what it is like to die? How could they? So how do you know if they really wanted to die?

 

We are all here in this big fish bowl we call life, stumbling over each other asking these questions. We kill each other, we fight, we heal each other, give birth, create life, and destroy life. Why?

 

All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces. Bright and early for the daily races, going nowhere. The tears are filling up their glasses, no expressions. Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow, no tomorrow. Then I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, that dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take, people run in circles. It's a very very mad world. Children waiting for the day they feel good, happy birthday. I feel that every child should sit and listen. Went to school and I was very nervous, no one knew me. Hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson? Look right through me.

 

Please don't look right through me.